Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Best spoiler warning ever
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.