Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
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COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.