If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum