Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Everything reminds me of my ex
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My work here is don’t.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser