Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
WHY?!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Eat…
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?