6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
23. the denim jacket
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.