the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.