My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad