My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
😎 🍻
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.