Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.