Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
me
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁