Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Fiction has to make sense.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?