LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Story of my life…..
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS