They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
getting groceries
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid