Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
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you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Wake me when AI does housework
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD