Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
You’ll be OK
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.