My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!