Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.