[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.