waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
me
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…