Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?