[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.