As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk