I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Never let them know your next move 😂
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
#FunnyLife Insects
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
no refunds
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach