Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
You Might Also Like
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
But that’s none of my business
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I have a new favorite meme page
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.