Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: