me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
You Might Also Like
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”