Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win