*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
The Struggle
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
scared to check what name she chose
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
These are my roll models.