WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
You Might Also Like
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
just got my engagement photos
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳