When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
security at the airport getting more straightforward
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean