My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
A family that plays together cheats.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.