You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”