Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
dogs can find happiness so easily
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
😂💯
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.