The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?