My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.