This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other