Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
#parenting