My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
You Might Also Like
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?