Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
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Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha