Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead