“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
no cat here
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant