dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I just love that new Pope smell.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Breaking news:
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet