My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My background check bounced.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure