*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.