If you love someone, let them sleep.
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.