Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it