being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone