A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
okay run it by me one more time
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic