Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”